Jealousy Advice: How to Handle Worries that Your Partner is Having an Affair
By Susie and Otto Collins
It can be an excruciating emotional place to be.
You and your mate might be going through a tough time. Tension and distance seems to be growing between the two of you.
You can’t figure out what this all can be about and you don’t know how to bring it up with your partner.
So you worry.
You worry that he or she doesn’t love you anymore. You worry that your mate regrets being in a relationship with you at all. You worry that your partner is having an affair.
Of course, you don’t want to create even more distance or tension between the two of you, so you hold on to those worries. You might share them with friends or family.
But, for the most part, your worries and jealous feelings are kept bottled up inside of you.
This is not only a painful and difficult space to be in, it can also wreak even more havoc in your relationship.
We understand that you don’t want to upset your partner (even more). But stuffing down your questions and concerns will only make them worse.
When you rely on your own assumptions and “best guesses” for why your partner seems to be behaving in a particular way or for why the two of you aren’t getting along the way you used to, jealousy and fearful worries will almost always inflate– and eventually explode.
[box] Jennie has been aware that, for some time now, the spark has disappeared in her relationship with Charles. They’ve never been super-passionate with one another, but lately their interactions haven’t been even close to passionate.
With the distance that seems to only be getting more pronounced between them, Jennie’s jealous worries have developed and grown. She doesn’t want to push Charles over the edge and cause him to leave, so Jennie keeps her feelings to herself.
She has convinced herself that he is having an affair and now waits for his confession. This has only made her feel more separated from Charles. Sometimes Jennie has to leave the room when she feels triggered by something Charles says or does. If she didn’t, she thinks she’ll scream and lash out at him.
Get to the root of your worries
When you get into a state where jealous worries seem to have taken over your mind, it can be difficult to know what’s really going on. Ultimately, you can only know what’s true for you.
That’s where we want you to return.
Get back in touch with your own desires and needs. For the moment, set aside any questions or suppositions about what is causing your mate to act in a certain way. You can address your questions later.
When you get to root of what’s causing you upset, you can start moving toward relief. Even if the relief is that you feel more centered within yourself, that’s relief.
Jennie has been suffering from insomnia– largely due to her jealous worries. One night, instead of taking a prescription drug to help her sleep, she sits up alone and breaks down in tears.
She doesn’t want to live like this anymore.
After her crying subsides, Jennie begins to tune in to herself and listen to her needs. She loves Charles. Yet, she wants more from a relationship.
She admits that she really doesn’t have any evidence that Charles is having an affair. She does affirm that the distance between them is real for her– and also that she doesn’t want to continue this way.
Try to figure out what is most pressing for you right now. Attempt to keep yourself focused in on what you want rather than what you don’t want.
Communicate with a sense of rootedness
When you get to the roots of your jealous worries, you will probably feel clearer and more grounded.
There might still be much work to do in your relationship and there will likely continue to be unresolved issues between the two of you.
The difference is that you are now tuned in to what you really want. You are rooted and perhaps even feeling more confident.
Take this sense of clarity and rootedness with you as you communicate with your mate.
When you keep your talk focused on what you want and how you are feeling, you can more easily avoid either you or your partner closing down and becoming defensive.
From this different place, you can get the information you need and make decisions about your future
Jennie finally sits down to honestly share with Charles how she’s been feeling.
She tells him how upset and worried she’s been. She also talks about the passion and connection she is longing for in a relationship.
While Jennie does indicate that she wants to know whether or not Charles is having an affair, this is not as central for her as it was before. Of course, she does not want to be with a partner who cheats.
But now, Jennie can see that she also doesn’t want to be with a mate who cannot be present and open to passionate loving with her.
Jennie feels a huge sense of relief after she’s spoken honestly with Charles. He immediately responds that he is not having an affair.
He also acknowledges the distance between them, but he asks for some time to think about what he wants to change in their relationship and what he’s willing to do.
They agree to talk again in two days.
As difficult as it is to talk about how you’re really feeling with your mate, it can be immensely helpful.
In fact, breakthroughs can happen in relationships when the couple communicates honestly with one another and stays open.
Jealous worries can be alleviated through connecting communication and the needs and desires that are at the root of jealousy can also be addressed.
Reach down into yourself and determine what it is you really want from your relationship.
Find the courage to talk about it with your partner and you will know your next step from there.
In our ebook and audio program, we give you words to say to talk with your partner about your suspicions and specific ways for stopping jealous thoughts and behavior and so much more! Try it out for 60 days and see how the info we include stops jealousy in its tracks!
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Discover…
• How to stop your fears, doubts and destructive behavior BEFORE your spouse or partner finally says “enough” and walks out the door and leaves you forever
• How to know if your jealousy and lack of trust is truly justified or not
• How to stop being insecure and suspicious, especially when you know nothing’s going on