By Susie and Otto Collins
If you’ve ever felt the persistent gnawing feeling in the pit of your stomach that often accompanies suspicion and jealousy, you probably know that it’s difficult to ignore.
You can try to pretend that everything is okay within you and in your relationship, but it’s difficult if not impossible to do.
As those fears and questions spin in your mind, you might wonder if you are accurately sensing that something is awry in your relationship or if, instead, you are merely being jealous.
These uncertainties can make you feel crazy!
[box] Beth has felt slightly nauseous and disoriented for the past two weeks. She would go see her doctor, but she knows what is making her sick– jealous suspicions that her boyfriend Cliff is cheating.
It was two weeks ago when, at dinner, Cliff received a call on his cell phone that he got up and left the table to take. This has never happened before.
The two of them have always spoken on their phones in front of one another. It has never seemed that they’ve held anything back with each other. Until now.
Since that secret cell phone call, Beth has noticed that Cliff is acting strangely. When they are together, she is very aware of how he talks, what he says and how is carrying his body.
She analyzes the wording of his e-mails to her and even dissects the way that he kisses and makes love to her. Nothing is clear to Beth. She becomes more suspicious and jealous by the day-and she feels horrible too. [/box]
Check in with yourself first
We know that jealousy and suspicion are both difficult to experience. They can build and become even more intense.
If you try to avoid your suspicions and your jealousy you can become physically ill and your relationship will not benefit either.
It makes sense that the more unsettled and stirred up you become, the more distance that can form between you and your partner.
If you are trying to decide whether to take action (and what action to take) based on your jealous suspicions, we strongly advise you to start by going within.
Check in with yourself so that you can become clearer about what you are feeling and also so that you can more easily know what action makes the most sense for you.
Beth decides that she has to do something other than sit around and worry about Cliff and whether or not he is lying and cheating.
She tells him that she’s going to visit her sister for the weekend. She knows that her sister will be busy, so she will be relatively undisturbed and alone during this time.
Sitting down with her journal, Beth begins to write. She lets herself write about whatever comes up. This is mainly about Cliff, their relationship and her jealous suspicions.
When Beth takes a break from writing and reads what she’s written, she is a little surprised. She didn’t realize how far back her worries about being cheated on go.
By digging deeper, Beth can now see that her jealousy goes back further than just that secretive phone call Cliff received. She has always harbored an expectation that, at some point or another, Cliff will betray her.
This is confusing for Beth. She is starting to wonder if she is making all of this up and Cliff is innocent after all.
After a lunch break, Beth starts to write down some of the observations that she’s made about Cliff during the past two (or more) weeks. There are many inconsistencies between the way that he’s always acted around her and the way that he’s acted recently.
This is important information to recognize
As you sift through your feelings and your observations of your mate, include everything. While there will certainly be perceptions of behaviors that you cannot be certain are accurate, there will also be tangible clues.
Writing down or otherwise acknowledging your feelings can help you become less stuck. Recording your observations can provide you with valuable information.
Here are few examples of observations:
- “My partner said he would be at the game with specific friends, but a friend mentioned to me that he was not with that group of people that night.”
- “She has started to check the caller ID on our phone before she answers it.”
- “In the past, he didn’t send me flowers or gifts unless it was a special occasion. Now he does.”
- “I am finding jewelry or articles of clothing that I’ve never seen before in her car and personal spaces at home.”
Plan your next best step
Please take care as you look at the observations that you’ve made. There might be a perfectly reasonable explanation for what is going on that does not involve lying or cheating.
Or these clues could indicate that infidelity is actually happening.
As you look through the information you’ve compiled and the feelings that you are having, be open to listen for the next best step you are wanting to make.
It could be that you decide to gather more information. If so, you can check out our book: Where There’s Smoke There’s Fire: How To Tell If Your Man’s a Cheating Liar.
We advise you to gather information carefully and pay attention to your motives along the way.
Spying can become addictive, especially when you are in a challenging emotional place.
You may choose to communicate with your mate about what you are experiencing. Consider whether or not you feel like you can trust what your partner might have to say.
Before you do, we recommend that you come up with a list of “talking points” for yourself. These are the most important statements or questions that you’d like to address during your talk.
You might also consider Jealousy coaching with us. It can teach you strategies and offer suggestions that will support you as you decide your next step.
In our ebook and audio program, we help you understand whether your jealousy is warranted or not warranted and so much more! Try it out for 60 days and see how the info we include stops jealousy in its tracks!
[box] Try the No More Jealousy Program Risk Free for 60 days
• How to stop your fears, doubts and destructive behavior BEFORE your spouse or partner finally says “enough” and walks out the door and leaves you forever
• How to know if your jealousy and lack of trust is truly justified or not
• How to stop being insecure and suspicious, especially when you know nothing’s going on