When you live with a jealous partner, you might be tempted to wear earplugs so that you don’t have to hear his or her comments, questions and veiled allegations.
It can be upsetting and uncomfortable to be wrongly accused by your mate of flirting or thinking inappropriately about another person– or something even worse!
We recommend that instead of tuning out and plugging up your ears– either symbolically or literally–you keep healthy communication going in your relationship.
There are specific ways you can communicate with a jealous mate that can help ease and even stop the jealousy.
Don’t get us wrong here.
We aren’t claiming that you can make your partner stop feeling jealous. This is something that only he or she can do.
When you close down and stop the communication, it will not make your mate’s jealousy stop. In fact, it can contribute to further distance between the two of you.
If, instead, you keep honestly and openly communicating, you can begin to set boundaries and make agreements that relate to the jealousy and go even deeper.
In the process you could find your partner’s jealous habit begins to fade and disappear.
[box] Kimberly has just about had it with her boyfriend J.D.’s jealousy problem.
It seems like every time they go out on a date, J.D. watches her intensely to see if she looks at or talks to another man. He’s always asking her questions about the other men she works with.
And if she admits to joking around with her male co-workers, J.D. becomes quiet and brooding. Kimberly doesn’t dare take him to one of her office parties because she’s afraid he’ll try to pick a fight with one of the guys at her office.
Kimberly has learned to deal with J.D.’s jealousy by tuning it out. When he begins to rant about how he is “sure” another man at the bar is leering at her, Kimberly just ignores his comment.
She sometimes pretends not to hear J.D. when he asks her about the men at her office.
But this “earplug” strategy to J.D.’s jealousy has not made it go away. If anything, Kimberly’s avoidance of J.D.’s insinuating questions has intensified the tension and unease in their relationship.
The trouble is, Kimberly knows she will get angry and defensive if she addresses J.D.’s leading jealousy-driven questions. That’s why she feels like it’s safer to pretend to be deaf to them.
Listen and engage– even when it’s difficult to do.
As much as you don’t want to acknowledge the jealous words coming from your partner’s mouth, we do not advise you to create further distance in your relationship by closing down and ignoring what’s going on.
Try to let go of any defensiveness of irritation you might feel about what you’re hearing and, instead, just listen.
As you listen, try to hear the needs that your partner might be expressing. For example, do you sense that your mate would like more of your attention as he or she invents you having an affair or flirting?
Tune in to how you feel about the needs that you think you are hearing. You can ask your partner if what you sense is accurate.
In as gentle as possible a way, ask your partner if he or she is wanting more of your attention.
Set boundaries and practice clarifying.
When J.D. begins to interrogate Kimberly about the lunch meeting she attended with some male co-workers that day, this time she does not ignore him.
Instead, she listens to his questions and tries to feel into where J.D. might be coming from.
As she really engages with what J.D. is saying, Kimberly makes a shift. She now sees him as a frightened and insecure guy– one who might even feel unworthy of the love Kimberly is trying to give him.
To engage with your mate doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to answer endless questions about where you were and who you were with.
Instead, ask what your partner needs from you at this time. Is it true that he or she needs more of your attention?
Perhaps there are other needs that you are willing to meet.
You can also set boundaries as you express your willingness to offer more attention or give support to the changes your partner might be wanting to make.
For example, you can make it clear that you will not answer questions that feel like accusations, but you will be open and honest about your feelings and what you’ve been doing.
As softly and lovingly as she can, Kimberly asks J.D. if he is feeling insecure about himself in their relationship. He’s joked in the past about having a girlfriend who is way more attractive than he is, and Kimberly asks him if that’s really how he feels.
J.D. finally admits that she is accurate about this.
He says he feels ashamed of how easily he gets jealous and would really like to feel better about himself and stop spending his energy fearing her betrayal.
It is a huge turning point in a relationship when both you and your partner can clearly see where you are and where you want to go.
As you decide that it is more important to connect, you can more easily get beneath the jealous comments that your mate makes and really communicate about how you can move closer together and better support one another.
In our ebook and audio program, we help you understand your partner’s jealousy and a specific program for stopping jealous thoughts and behavior. In fact, we created one audio especially for you if your partner is jealous and so much more! Try it out for 60 days and see how the info we include stops jealousy in its tracks!
Try the No More Jealousy Program Risk Free for 60 days
• How to stop your fears, doubts and destructive behavior BEFORE your spouse or partner finally says “enough” and walks out the door and leaves you forever
• How to know if your jealousy and lack of trust is truly justified or not
• How to stop being insecure and suspicious, especially when you know nothing’s going on