By Susie and Otto Collins
Jealousy, also known as “the green-eyed monster,” can seem out of your control when it occurs in a relationship. This “monster” can also be quite destructive.
As you may already know, the experience of jealousy and its effects are amplified even more when it occurs in the aftermath of an affair.
If your partner had an affair and the two of you are trying to rebuild your relationship, you might be feeling jealous fears that he or she will cheat again.
Jealousy may even be a relatively foreign experience for you and mainly began showing up after the affair.
Or you might have already developed a jealousy habit. Perhaps this partner isn’t the first who has cheated.
You’ve sort of trained yourself to stay on guard for the next betrayal– your jealousy is part of that defendedness.
If what you want is to heal your pain, rebuild trust and continue the process of re-connecting with your mate, jealousy is simply not the answer.
Jealousy– even after your partner’s affair– will only drive the two of you further apart.
[box] Elaine easily recognizes her jealous feelings. When she sees her husband Bill talking with another woman at a party, she immediately notices her shoulders tense, her fists clench and her blood pressure rise.
Although it’s been 3 years since Bill admitted to Elaine that he’d had a brief affair with a woman he met while on a business trip, she still sees just about any attractive woman as a temptation for Bill and a threat to their marriage.
Elaine fights off the impulse to rush over and interrupt Bill’s conversation with this other woman and, instead, glares at them from across the room– simmering with anger and frustrated with the hold jealousy seems to have over her.[/box]
Keep returning to the present and what’s going on right now
It can be difficult to know which of your thoughts and perceptions to follow up on when jealousy makes its intense presence known in your life.
Especially when your partner has had an affair in the past, your mind might start reeling with memories of the signs and signals that indicated cheating in the past.
You could find yourself constantly checking and comparing to try to make sure you aren’t caught off-guard by another round of infidelity.
This is how Elaine feels.
Above all else, she doesn’t want to be surprised– again– by Bill’s cheating. She finds herself at a loss, however, because she and Bill have both changed so much since he had the affair.
Elaine’s jealousy doesn’t seem to fit this current situation, but it’s difficult for her to release it and trust.
Even if you aren’t willing or ready to fully trust your mate at this time, work on rebuilding trust within yourself.
If your mind begins to wander to past events, keep bringing it back to the present moment. Look at what’s going on right now.
Try to stay focused on facts that you can know with absolute certainty, not guesses or assumptions
Elaine takes a deep breath and begins to make mental observations about the room she’s in, what she’s drinking or eating and how she’s feeling.
She doesn’t have to attach any further information to these observations than simply noticing them.
Next, Elaine takes a second look across the room at Bill talking to the woman. She can now see that they are not standing too close to one another and that now another man has joined in their conversation.
Elaine begins to feel more ease about the whole situation and her earlier fears that Bill was getting “too friendly” with this woman seem to have little or no evidence to support them.
Keep returning to what you want in your future
Make a conscious decision about what you want for your future. When you think about your relationship, how would you like it to be?
Take some time to really create in your mind– and even write on paper– your vision for the future.
When you are in the process of calming yourself and clearing your mind after jealousy arises, return to this vision for your future.
You don’t have to know how you and your partner will get there, but just know what you want and keep that in the forefront of your mind.
You might even decide to share this exercise with your mate. Together, come up with a shared vision for what you two would like your relationship and life together to be like.
You can then think about concrete actions that will point you in that direction and follow through by doing them.
Keep remembering that you are choosing to be in this relationship with this person. Remind yourself what you love and appreciate about yourself and your partner.
Allow that to fill you and lead you in your next step.
In our ebook and audio program, we help you understand whether you can begin trusting your partner again after cheating, how to start trusting if it’s warranted and specific ways for stopping jealous thoughts and behavior. Try it out for 60 days and see how the info we include stops jealousy in its tracks!
[box] Try the No More Jealousy Program Risk Free for 60 days
• How to stop your fears, doubts and destructive behavior BEFORE your spouse or partner finally says “enough” and walks out the door and leaves you forever
• How to know if your jealousy and lack of trust is truly justified or not
• How to stop being insecure and suspicious, especially when you know nothing’s going on