We know how painful, overwhelming and all-consuming jealousy can be. Whether it’s paralyzing fear that your love will leave you or suspicions that your partner has been lying to you and making a fool of you with another, the thoughts seem so real.
We’ve each been in that anxious place. We know the way that your peace of mind and ability to enjoy being with your partner can be wrecked with a comment, a look or a confusing situation.
Worse yet, everything you say to and do with your partner is tinged with jealousy. It feels impossible to get away from!
The big deal you make when he doesn’t text you back immediately. The ruined date because she flirts with your server. The cold bed because it’s nearly impossible to be sexually intimate when jealousy is so strong and so destructive.
Through all of the confusion, what’s clear is that it’s PAST time to do something effective about your jealousy. The questions is what?!
Here’s the way to spell jealousy relief and it’s easier and quicker than you think…
Recognize the ways you deny, rationalize and try to run away from your jealousy habit. Face up to what’s running through your mind that makes you anxious and/or accusatory. Take responsibility for what you say and do when you’re caught up in jealousy. Even if you have good reason to be jealous, to feel better and improve your relationship, you’ve got to own the specific ways you react when you are jealous– whether it’s trying to numb out how you feel or having an emotional meltdown. Face your jealousy fully so you can fix your relationship.
Admit what’s true.
The way to get relief from jealousy is to focus in on the facts you have. This can be uncomfortable and maybe even painful to do. Admit to yourself the ways that you put your partner on the defensive with interrogation. Acknowledge how you unintentionally make it seem unsafe for him or her to be honest. And also admit it to yourself if you have reliable information that the one you love is breaking your agreements or violating trust in some way.
It’s likely that you’ve been struggling along and just trying to cope with your jealousy for some time– maybe even longer than the relationship you’re currently in. To make real strides that last, you’ve got to start caring enough about yourself and your relationship to come up with a new way to think, communicate and be…and to stick with it. This is about more than just wanting to feel better, this is about making a caring commitment that will put you on the path to what you want.
Trust your gut.
You’ve probably heard this advice before and maybe you’ve tried, but to actually do it can be frustrating! Telling someone who is jealous to “trust your gut” can create even more problems without follow up to explain HOW to actually do it. The secret is to question what you think is coming from intuition or your “gut” and make sure this is not spurred by past emotional wounds, limiting beliefs or insecure fears instead. This takes practice so be patient. Information from your gut usually comes through as something you just “know” and it feels clear and certain instead of worrisome or conflicted. It’s always wise to listen to gut instincts or impulses and then look for proof to support or refute before deciding how to respond.
Again, this is more advice that you might already know– but find it difficult to actually do consistently. Most of the time and in the vast majority of situations, jealousy relief comes when you come back to the here and now. We humans have a bad habit of living in memories of what happened “the last time” and we’re equally fond of projecting into the future not just our hopes, but also our deepest fears or the worst-case scenario. Recognize it when your mind and attention are in another time– the past or the future– because that’s where you’ll run into trouble. Use your breathing and literally look around you to return to the present moment. Be as simplistic as you need to be so that you can fully reside in what’s currently going on.
That’s where you’ll get relief from jealousy.
That’s where you can focus on the facts. They may not be what you want or what you were wishing for, but they are your best chance to calm down, get clear and make a conscious decision about what your next step will be.