Women Want to Know… What to Do About Porn and Jealousy

sneaky1-150x150Does this dilemma sound familiar to you??? This question was posted in the comments of one of our YouTube videos and because it’s a contentious issue that so many couples struggle with, we decided to share this viewer’s question and an extended response from us:

Hi Susie and Otto, can you give me some advice, please? I feel jealous when my bf watches porn because from my perspective, porn is filmed at the angle where they just focus on the female 95% of the time and that makes me feel like the watchers are imagining having intercourse with that actress. I don’t know how to let it not bother me. :(

Porn is one of those hot button issues that divides a couple, causes arguments and fights and most definitely triggers jealousy. It’s not only men who watch porn or only women who get upset about it, but this is what we commonly hear from our readers and coaching clients. When you walk into the room and discover your partner enjoying porn online, in a magazine or on television, it can feel like a huge rejection. Even if you don’t actually see him viewing porn but you know he does, your mind jumps to conclusions like…

  •  “He’s fantasizing about having sex with someone who looks like that (not me).” 
  • “I’m not sexy enough for him.”
  • “I can’t satisfy him.”
  •  “He’d rather watch porn than be with me!”

Thoughts like these cause you to either lash out and accuse him or to withdraw into yourself and turn away from him. NEITHER of these reactions are healthy for you or your relationship.

So, what should you do about porn? 

Our first advice is for you to be very honest with yourself. Some people absolutely cannot tolerate porn because of their political, religious or other views and values. If this is the case for you and your partner is unwilling to stop watching porn, then you need to decide whether or not this relationship is truly a match.

If you aren’t strongly opposed to porn, but do want to stop your jealousy because of it, then communication has got to improve.

Watch what you say to yourself about your partner’s porn-watching. Interrupt your own thoughts that fuel jealousy and cause you (and your relationship) distress. Meet any insecure, self-critical or worrisome thoughts with the question, “Do I really know if that’s true?”

Work on communication with your partner as well. Create agreements with him that ensure the two of you have plenty of regular and high quality connecting time together– both sexual and non-sexual. If you don’t enjoy porn, ask him to agree to watch it only when you aren’t around. He’ll be far more likely to talk with you about this topic and to follow through with agreements you two make if you approach conversations about porn without blame or judgment.

Make it your highest goal to come to an agreement you both can be happy with and that helps you move closer to one another.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Comments

  1. This article is unbelievable. Why would a woman want to even consider staying with a guy who frequently consumes porn let alone feel jealous or feel like she’s at fault? The real problem is the low standards some women have and this is a result of their own lack of self esteem. If they truly respected themselves they’d find a guy that respects them.

  2. I’m tired of everyone pretending they aren’t watching porn for the bodies and that they aren’t fantasying about the women in the video, what a load of rubbish, why else would you watch it? Can we stop pretending its normal and healthy already I think society as a whole right now and the divorce rate can say other wise, and honestly when you’re meant to be in a sexually commuted relationship how is this type of behavior not meant to trigger feelings of jealousy and rejection? It really can’t but out of fear of being labelled lots of women go along with it and pretend its not the real reason they are unhappy, I’m over it, to me its no different than cheating, you’re preforming a sexual act while looking at someone who isn’t your lover, you’re giving that part of yourself to someone who doesn’t even know you exsist let alone love you care for you or take care of you and you’re telling your partner if you dont let me have my cake and eat it too then I’ll leave you, sounds more like manipulation to me than love, this is a mans world always has been always will be and today’s sex culture is a back lash over their butt hurt feelings that women dont really need them to survive

    • Susie and Otto Collins says:

      Jemimah, you certainly hit the nail on the head. Jealousy is useless if your partner’s watching porn. If this is the case, the woman has to decide if she wants to be with someone who does this and the man has to decide whether actual connection with a woman instead of being a voyeur is what he want. Again, jealousy is useless when it comes to this type of situation!

  3. Well, that didn’t help me much. How can I not worry about it, if I’m not certain IT ISN’T true? As long as I suspect my insecure thoughts are true I can’t interrupt them. Talking to him didn’t help much either. We have pretty honest relaionship, we have no problem with talking about that kind of stuff. The problem is I don’t believe a word he says. He says I’m prettier and sexier than any of porn sluts, and that he watches porn because he sometimes is in the mood for something diffrent and not that I don’t satisfy him. Total bullshit. I know how I look. I am nothing compared to the pure perfection of those actresses. He also says it wouldn’t even matter even if it was true, because he loves me. Yeah, right. It will matter if he yearns for better body so much that he cheats on me. I don’t know what to do, it’s killing me.

    (I’m sorry for my english, I know it’s terrible)

    • Susie and Otto Collins says:

      M, looks like you have a decision to make whether to stay with him or not if he’s deciding to watch porn and you want a connection with him instead. He may love you but he’s got a habit that he doesn’t want to break. Don’t let this kill you. This isn’t about you even though it might feel like it is. It’s about him and his habit. This may be a deal breaker for you which you’ll have to decide and then take the next step.

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