“I need advice. I’m jealous of my husband’s ‘friendship.’ I start fights with outbursts whenever I see something I don’t like or that brings my suspicions. I simply explode. It’s been like this for 3 months already and I’m exhausted from it, yet I fail to stay calm for more than a few days. It’s destructive to me and I realize it. I don’t want live like this. How do I stay calm and focus on making it work rather than on destroying it?”
Jealousy can get so intense it takes over and rages out of control, just as this woman who posted to our Relationship Gold website describes. It builds up inside of you and, finally, explodes– a lot like a geyser which can’t hold back the pressurized, geothermically heated water any longer.
Only your eruptions aren’t water and steam, are they? What erupts from you are accusations, sarcasm, nagging and ultimatums.
The damage to both you and your relationship are immediate and difficult to repair. Especially when jealous meltdowns occur again and again, it’s nearly impossible for your relationship to survive.
Because you know how destructive jealousy is, you’ve probably tried anything and everything to calm yourself down and make your relationship better. But suspicion, doubt and fear won’t instantly go away. They build up inside of you and, at some point which is usually inconvenient and embarrassing, those accusations come out in full force.
What’s the best way to soothe jealousy and ease the pressure in you and your relationship?
Be honest.
In direct response to the woman who posted on our website and who wants to make her relationship work, we urge her to be very honest with herself. First of all, be honest about her suspicions. Because she put quotation marks around the word “friendship,” it would be wise for her to review the facts she has and explore why she doubts that this is only friendship.
Don’t jump to conclusions and really hone in on the observable information about her husband’s behavior– in general and in connection with his friend. What does she see when she honestly looks at the facts?
Be your biggest ally.
Outbursts and emotional eruptions often come from feeling afraid (of losing the relationship or of being betrayed)and unsupported. When our reader recognizes that she’s jealous of the time and attention her husband is giving his friend, she can take a deep breath and ask herself what she needs right now.
She can become her biggest ally in not just calming down, but in choosing to create a trusting and healthy relationship as well. For her, this might mean finding out whether there’s any proof to support her suspicions and, if there is, to decide what she’ll stay in or leave her marriage.
If there is no proof, being her own biggest ally might mean that this woman gets clearer about why her husband’s friendship feels threatening to her and then make some changes in how she thinks and acts.
You can become your own biggest ally too!
When your jealousy feels like it’s about to boil over, stop and ask yourself these questions….
- Do I need more information about what’s going on?
- Do I need to remind myself about what’s true in my relationship?
- Do I need to set a clear boundary with my partner?
- Do I need to change the way I talk about and treat myself?
- Do I need to ask my partner for more quality one-on-one time?
- Do I need to get some fresh air and let off frustration?
- Do I need to heal from the past?
Your jealousy, suspicions and worries aren’t going to just go away. Avoid an explosion by getting curious and making an informed decision about what’s best for you.
*Image by Malcolm Manners creative commons